Saturday, December 20, 2014

Emotional Detachment.

"When we say things like 'people don't change' it drives scientists crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again." -Anonymous

Well, I officially survived the fall semester...I can't believe it! My final exam was Chem at freakin' 7 at night on Wednesday. All my exams went really really well and all the crazy studying was absolutely worth the 4.0...!

Then I spent the rest of the week working at the vets.

And today...well today was the beginning of the end. My first chance to get back to the barn...

I won't lie, it was hard. It was almost easy to deal with when I was  away at school. I had so many other things to focus on and couldn't get to the barn. Now I can get there...and I want to get there, but at the same time it hurts so much...too much.

I feel guilty because I've put up this emotional wall and emotionally detached myself from feeling this. I just can't go through the motions and emotionally deal with it at the same time. Its' just too painful because I look at the last seven years of my life with this horse and it hurts to much. Its hurts like I'm literally giving up part of my own heart.

And of course it doesn't help that shes was amazingly good and I had a wonderful ride...

So, in the end, I just choose not not to feel. It's the only way I can get through these next couple weeks without bawling my eyes out every minute of every day...

                                           My favorite place in the whole world

Friday, December 12, 2014

30 Things College Has Taught Me

1) I am not a perfect person
2) Not everything is sunshine and rainbows
3) Failure sucks, so don't fail
4) Sometimes you will fail, pick your butt up and keep on keepin' on
5) When you succeed, you earned it
6) You really can be whoever you want to be
7) High school was a joke
8) You will learn very quickly how to study (or you won't and you're grades will show it)
9) Office hours are a god send, take advantage
10) Teaching someone else the material will help you learn
11) If you can't teach someone else, you don't know the material
12) Everyone in college is poor
13) Life is an insane balancing act
14) There are never enough hours in a day
15) The hardest worker is the most successful
16) 4.0's can happen
17) It's not easy, but it's worth it
19) Put yourself out there, impress people
20) Never make excuses
21) You will be exhausted most days
22) Professors don't care if you don't, but if you do they'll do everything they can to help you succeed
23) Coffee is life
24) Mid-day naps are the best thing ever
25) No one cares if you show up to class in sweatpants
26) The hardest thing you'll ever do is decide who you want to be
27) You will have to make sacrifices to be that person
28) Surround yourself with really bad a$$ people
29) You will change so much...
30) ...And that's okay

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


I'm writing this post in between reviewing four chapters of Biology and picking up my Calc book. I probably shouldn't be sacrificing the time to write, but if I don't take a break, I'm probably going to cry from exhaustion. Soooooo post it is! ;D

Side note: my roommate slept until 2pm today...I've been studying since I woke up at 7 this morning.

Sooooo I'm sure what ya'll really want to hear about probably has something to do with my last post. Yeah...kind of a cliff hanger. Well, I'm not telling you all the details...YET (you'll be pleased with the details, trust me).

The short story is: I am one person with a lot of her plate and at this point in my life I cannot physically/mentally/ or financially handle having a horse. There is not enough hours in the day, not enough money in my bank account to do everything that I want to do. It's a very sad and disappointing realization to come to. It kind of makes me feel like a failure if we're being honest, but it is what it is. My life has been nothing but horses for the last 10 years and I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. It's incredibly hard for me just to admit to myself that I cannot do it all.

So, next month Missy will be leaving me to go live with an absolutely fabulous person who will treat like the truly special mare she is and love her (almost) as much as I do. This person truly is perfect for my mare and I'm happy that she'd going to get to live a wonderful life with her. I'm also incredibly sad and a little lost with myself, but in the end I'll be okay.

Sometime we have to sit down and think about what we want in life and where we are going and how we are going to get there. Right now, the thing that I want most is vet school and in order to finish my degree 2.5 years from now and get where I want to go, I had to make this choice. I get that people may think that I'm making the wrong choice. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm making the right choice, but right here and now I'm doing what I feel is the best for both of us.

Sometimes, I think all you really can do is just that, your best...

I cannot even put into words how much I am going to miss her.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Road Goes Ever On

"Sometimes the hardest decision and the right decision are the same." -Anonymous

Have you ever sat down and wondered what your life would be like without horses in it?

It's been so long that I can't even remember the person I was before Missy and riding and tack stores and hay in my hair and vet bills and barn friends and lost bell boots and wearing half chaps into the grocery store.

And yet here I am, trying to imagine it because that will be reality for me pretty soon.

It's the strangest, hardest, saddest, most bizarre thing to have arrived at this point.

Yet here we are.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Equine Acupuncture

The vet that I work with is also certified in veterinary acupuncture, which I think is pretty awesome (she does a lot of cool stuff in combination with conventional medicine: shockwave, hyrdotherapy on the treadmill, etc. all really cool to see!). I've watched her work on cats and dogs  several times, but last night was the first time I got to go with her on an equine case and it was pretty darn cool. 

Acupuncture falls under the category of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and while I'm learning, my actual understanding of the complexity of  all that it involves is pretty rudimentary. HERE is a really good article from the AAEP that covers a lot of it (mostly in terms of horses, but I figured that is sufficient considering this is a horse blog...and a lot of what applies to horses applies to small animals).

Yesterday, the horse Dr. J was working on was a dressage horse with TMJ issues.  It was a pretty cool because while the horse was really tense and a little fussy with her head in the beginning, Dr. J inserted a needle into a point behind her right ear and all at once, her ears went back and her head started drooping in the cross ties. She was a pretty happy/content horse. It was pretty crazy to see. Her owner swears that these treatments have been doing so much good for the horse and I seriously believe it after seeing it firsthand.

I don't think this acupuncture needle is big enough;)

I also got the best compliment ever last night. It was her last appointment of the night after a busy day at the small animal practice and after being there all day, she asked if I had any interest in going with her to see the equine patient. Ummm absolutely, I didn't even have to think about that lol.

Anyway, I was chatting with the client and counting/handling needles for Doc and the client is asking me about school and my career plans. I said something about being an undergrad and how I would love a career in vet med if I can make it through the schooling. Dr. J turns and looks at the client and says "if this girl wants to be a vet, she'll be a vet, she's absolutely smart enough." There is pretty much no better feeling in the world than having someone you look up to tell you that you're capable. My smile was pretty big...

Saturday, November 22, 2014

A View of Poland

It been nearly five months since my time in Poland, but there is hardly a day that goes by that I don't think about it. It was so life changing for me and even now I struggle to process it all...

Anyway, I'm mostly putting this here for myself, but I got an email yesterday that the video they filmed during the trip was finally's beautiful but very hard to watch for me. I freely admit to sitting at my desk and crying as I watched it...

For those of you who care about this point in history (you all should!) feel free to watch...there's a lot of Howard's story (the survivor who went with us) contained within it, which is honestly the powerful stuff...

If you have no interest, that's fine I said, mostly putting this here for me...

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Henry The Pug Update

Poor Puggy has been hospitalized since yesterday morning:( I feel so guilty I'm not home...I felt a little bad when I called the vet yesterday and asked for an update, but they were super nice about it when I explained that I'm away at college and worried about my old mom was trying to tell me what they said, but she just doesn't really know, so I was glad they didn't mind my call. I hate being "that owner." The verdict for his most recent problem is canine diabetes. We were really really worried about his kidneys (because he's had kidney issues in the past and the symptoms that he had), but thankfully everything seemed to be okay there. His liver enzymes were slightly elevated, but vet didn't see a real reason to be concerned about that at this point (though, when I heard that I was a little worried because that can be a symptom of a more advanced case of the disease). Thankfully, it does look like we caught it relatively soon (all because I *know* my dog and he was NOT right when I got to see him for all of 5 minutes on Sunday...). The vet did warn me that this disease is hard on them and he is an old dog:(

Once he comes home, he'll need two insulin shots a day and blood tests once a week for a couple weeks (it can be hard to determine the right dose in dogs), but hopefully we can get him back on track and I can have some more time with my best little poor poor hyperglycemic baby:(:(:(

Sigh. I guess this is better than I thought, but man, its still hard. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn't love my animals so damn much...but I do, I really really really do:(

My favorite picture of The Pug, circa Fall 2007

I also love this one from last spring<3 b="">

Henry has been around longer than anyone in my family has had a digital I'm going to have to dig up some of his baby pictures and scan them! He was so stickin' cute. He was the runt of the litter, so he was so so so tiny...

A note on pugs before I sign off...they are absolutely fabulous dogs. Henry is the funniest, sweetest dog I've ever met. HOWEVER, if you ever think about getting one, be prepared for the health issues, because they are genetically predisposed to many. In reality, our greatest luck with Henry was that his nose isn't *quite* as smooshed as what is considered "ideal" for the breed. Therefore his breathing issues haven't been as severe as some (he's still had breathing issues, but they are unrelated to brachycephaly). I would never talk someone out of a pug (because I love mine...and my half pug!) but you just have to be prepared to really like your vet...that being said, I wouldnt trade a moment with this dog for the healthiest dog in the world. Henry is the best dog ever, and I'm sure there will be more pugs in my life in the future<3 br="">

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Hardest Part

I'm not sure I've ever told the story of how Henry The Pug came into my life. It's pretty much the most perfect love story between human and canine and as I'm remembering all those wonderful moments with my old man today, I thought I would share it here.

When I was seven, the only thing in the entire world that I wanted was a dog. This was before I dreamed of a horse of my own and every single day I would plead with my parents to get me a dog...any dog. And while we did own an oldler Persian cat that my mom had purchased when she was in college, that cat wanted nothing to do with me and my parents were adamant that I could not have a dog.

At the time, I was obsessed with Animal Planet. Emergency Vets, Adoption Stories...those are the shows that come to mind, but pretty much I grew up living vicariously through the TV...until that early September day shortly after I had turned eight years old...

I remember the day really well, considering how long ago--over 11 years-- it was. At the time my mom was pregnant with my younger sister, and I remember going to the hospital that day and finding out that my little sister was, indeed going to be a little sister and not a little brother. I also remember being really annoyed when my mom went "shopping" with my aunt and cousin and left me with my dad to attend my younger brother's soccer practice. I remember them using the excuse that they were going "christmas shopping" and therefore that was why I couldn't go along. After that, I'm sure I did nothing but whine and complain the rest of the day about having to sit out in the sun...

I remember going home, and my mom and aunt and cousin were all sitting on the couch in the living room.

They told me to open a basket sitting in the middle of the floor. I did as they said, and I remember these two little eyes just staring at me all of a sudden. My brain couldn't process it all and I remember crying when I figured out that he was mine.

Thus was the beginning of a friendship that has spanned over a decade.

The neighbors called him "King Henry" because he thought he owned the neighborhood. For the first three years of his life his greatest talent was escaping our nicely-fenced back yard. It was not an uncommon thing for people to see that little smooshed-face pug running down the sidewalk being trailed by a little girl. He loved to chase cars and nearly got hit by a school bus once. I also remember one rainy July day when someone knocked on our door and when I opened it, in ran The Pug. Apparently he had been chasing cars on a very busy road when the good samaritans stopped to grab him. Let's just say "damn dog" was a common phrase in our house in those early years!
He would never win a beauty pageant, and most people would probably classify him under the "that dog is sooooo ugly that hes cute" category, but he has been the sweetest, most carefree soul I could ever love.

I've watched the grey hairs sprout on his black muzzle and I've noticed him start to slow down, but hes still been the same happy pug. Now, all of a sudden he seems to be going downhill pretty fast. I just feel so emotionally unprepared for all of this. Henry The Pug has been in my life for so long, that I'm struggling to imagine a world without him in it.

I gave him a bath before I returned to school today and he just seemed so content as I massaged the warm water and shampoo into his coat. Every so often, I'd reach good spot and he'd lean in, clearly wanting me to continue there, perhaps a little harder. It made me tear up...hes such a sweet boy.

I'm truly struggling right now. Love is just so hard sometimes.